China-focused Satire, Social Commentary, Comics and More

Little Red Killing Hood

Totally Awesome Picture of the Week 58

A Bedtime Story

Once there lived a little gun made of the finest metals called Little Red Killing Hood. She was a spoiled gun as both her Country and the World loved her very much. One day, when her Country was making trouble, it said, “My child, you will go to see the World for I hear it is unwell. You will take it some of this trouble and two bags of our culture.”

Little Red Killing Hood was excited to go, though it was a long trip she was good at following orders and intrigued by the World. Across the country she rode. It was not long before she met some hippies who, in their drug crazed state, wanted to dismantle her. But they did not dare for policemen stood close by with their pistols cocked and ready. Instead they approached her and politely asked her where she was going.

“I’m bringing the World some of my Country’s fresh baked trouble and two bags of our culture,” Little Red Killing Hood said innocently, unaware of how dangerous it was to speak to hippies.

“Are you going far from here?” the hippies asked.

“Yes very far. Across one ocean, maybe two,” replied the ignorant child.

“Oh man,” said the hippies. “Oh man, oh man, if the World is sick, maybe we could help too. We will go this way and you go the other and we’ll see who can arrive there first.”

So as Little Red Killing Hood hurried east, the hippies meandered off, dillydallying their way west, stopping wherever there was music, flowers or scenic viewpoints.

When Little Red Killing Hood arrived at the World’s doorstep she knocked twice, kwack, kwack. When there was no discernible answer she rolled herself back a foot or two, took aim and blasted down the wall. When the smoke cleared she moved in through the wreckage, carefully setting down the trouble and culture so that it wouldn’t be spilled and none would be wasted.

Looking around she was surprised to find people who looked no different from some of the people in her country.

“My what a small messy house you have,” she said to the family of 12 who huddled frightened in the corner.

They replied with more of the nonsense she’d heard outside.

“My what white teeth you have,” she tried to compliment them.

The children cried and the adults shouted gibberish.

“My what a lot of noise you’re making,” Little Red Killing Hood shouted; she was beginning to think something was wrong.

One of the adults ran towards her. She rolled away quickly, startled, and her wheel hit the trouble, emptying it completely. She watched as it flowed into the dirt and disappeared under the grass mat. When she looked up she realized she had accidentally shot the entire family dead.

Little Red Killing Hood rolled out of the wreckage. Scared and disoriented, she shot at everything that moved.

Years later, when her Country had forgotten her existence and sent trouble to a new part of the World the hippies finally made it across the oceans to the still ailing but slowly healing part of the world where they found Little Red Killing Hood.

“My what nice weeds you’ve grown my dear,” they said and planted a wildflower in her rusting axle.

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