Totally Awesome Picture of the Week 33
The 4th of July. America’s big day. The day when Americans of all shapes, sizes, colors, dreams and political leanings apply their differences to the true calling of patriotism: Competition.
The 4th of July is a day of Bests and Mosts – from Best Firework Display to Most Hot Dogs Consumed – all over the country people compete for these well defined Glories.
“Yes, of course,” you may be thinking, but what does this have to do with the seemingly grotesque image above? Does part of the competition involve growing a large gluteus maximus, squeezing it into a tight pair of jeans, complementing it with a flower-patterned t-shirt and allowing it to be fondled in public by a man wearing a digital watch? If so, in what category could this possibly be Best or Most?
Though I think it rather unAmerican of you to ask, I’ll honor your ignorance and humor you.
This picture is America. This picture is both Best and Most America. This picture, in many ways, exemplifies how America is, in itself, both Best and Most. The process through which we grow the large gluteus-maximi is a great example of our Most-Bestestness.
We consume the most of the Most Processed, Most Chemically-altered, Most Uniform Looking foods. And due to its careful creation, our food is also the Most Reliable in the world, a high standard with no dips, thus on many lists it’s also a regular Best, perhaps a Best Overall. This food, which is regularly both a Most and a Best, coupled with the American lust for consumption, weaves an irresistible web for the American consumer – some of the Most Ignorant, Most Easily convinced, and therefore Best Targets for the mechanized predator that is the American food industry.
Once the consumer is trapped in the salty, sweet, thick, crispy, soft, chewy, spiced-to-perfection web of deliciousness, the monstrous industry needs to do as little as maintain regular accessibility to product. The entranced consumer feeds itself while simultaneously excreting the substance naturally desired by the industry (a papery green solid). To offset any awareness of the milking process, the delicious bait of the industry causes the consumer’s gluteus-maximus to grow – one of the Best Tricks around – adding to distract from the loss.
Surrounding the above-mentioned process are the Glories of countless Bests and Mosts. This is only one aspect of our carefully organized system. As you can easily understand – seeing how both sides of this example competing within America posses an absurd number of Mosts and Bests – it would be impossible for another nation competing against America to even approach their Glory.
This picture, America
, represents as well as any one of modern time’s Most Glorious Glories of all, that of Most Consumption and Best Consumer, leaving no doubt of the Most-Bestestness of this nation of dreamers turned complacent.
- CRIMES AGAINST POSTERITY: Exhibit A
- Time for President Yes
- Chinese Laundry