China-focused Satire, Social Commentary, Comics and More

How I Became a Middle Aged Chinese Woman


Totally Awesome Picture of the Week 55


As I lay strategically flattened to the bed so that my nose pours steadily through a box of tissues instead of down into my lungs, and the pressure on the back of my eyes forces me to squeeze them small into a squint so as to prevent them from popping fully free of my face, I hear a familiar but temporarily forgotten noise from the street below: Huaaaack! pause Pwet!

I sit up quickly to see the source of my revelation. Through my lessened vision I see the outline of what must be a middle aged woman, a beehive hairdo balanced a top her head, wearing at least three coats and four inch stiletto boots. A quick call to my cohort confirms this assessment and I realize too late that I have sacrificed my position of comfort and now there is a puddle of mucus rapidly forming at the back of my throat.

I lope across the apartment bundled heavily in multiple layers of winter clothing with ski socks and down slippers on my feet, long underwear, flannel and thick cotton covering my body, and an over-sized black beanie mushrooming from my head.

My hurried steps jar loose the puddle and it splashes lewdly on my tongue as I plant my hands on the counter astride the sink and let it fall freely from my mouth to the porcelain below. I run some water and watch as the greenish glob disappears into the drain realizing there is still more.

Huaaaack! I hear, astonished that I too can make that noise. My first attempt has been unfruitful. Huaaaack! I hear the sound again and my eyes, leaking through their squint meet their image in the mirror.

My jaw slackens and my eyes widen slightly, but not enough to dispel the image. Through the limited blur I see that I am that Chinese person on the street, my hat pushed high on my head has grown a dimension of its own, perched like a shapely beehive-do over my strained slit eyes. Pt. I fail, spitting only the smallest amount of clear liquid onto the high wall of the sink. I brush water onto it until there are no traces left.

Huaaaack! I try third time, this time looking myself in the watery eyes. A smile forms on my face. My tongue dances over the drag in my mouth. It feels just like a glutinous rice ball. I turn on the water again and let my eyes drop to the sink. Pwet! The transformation is complete. I am that middle aged Chinese woman.

What, you may ask, does this have to do with the pathetic shit-between-the-eyes caged animal above? And I would answer, good question. Initially this TAP began: So, 2008 ended up to be like 2007: excessive snorting, a stint behind bars, shit-faced, gluttonous and unhealthy, the year of the pig. Drawing parallels between Hollywood stars and their true swine brethren. Unfortunately that line was all I wrote before excessive use of cold medicine became a necessary part of my life. For days I tried to finish it producing only gibberish. Today I awoke feeling as though my mind had spent days fighting through a heavy storm. With a glimpse of clear sky on the horizon I let myself feel the exhaustion. Taking a deep breath I noticed very little in the way of obstructions.

After a meal to satisfy the first appetite in days and the compulsory nap which followed, I sat down to finally finish this post. This commentary leaked from my mind with the unstoppable frenzy of the evacuating mucus mentioned above. Now, looking at the picture again, I think I understand the correlation. I’ll give you these words, associate as you please: Pathetic, Helpless, Lugubrious, and Trapped.

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