China-focused Satire, Social Commentary, Comics and More

Foreign Stamps

Totally Awesome Picture of the Week 48

All right, my students. So this is how it is. You fill up our prestigious universities and we pay for you to do it. Sounds good huh? It is, of course, conditional. Here, read the handbook:

“To begin with, you must give up the absurd notion that KFC and MacDonald’s embody American culture. To an academic of your standing this is an inappropriate assumption. You must take this new knowledge and spread it until it is no longer believed by your billions of kinsmen. Next, you must recognize that ketchup and spaghetti sauce are not the same thing and are not interchangeable. No way, no how. Then you must accept that cheese is not meant to be a tasteless, plastic coating and remove this stigma of our culture from yours as well.”

And this is only a short excerpt from the 450 page document titled: Welcome to America – Now Learn, Bitches!. Good luck.

The stamp collector – take a good look at him, teenagers. This man is your culture. Something else you’ll learn in America is that you have Chinese food all wrong. And fashion. These new-fangled spider plant hairstyles will not cut it at Harvard. At least not with the trust fund club or legacies. But then again, do you really want to be just another Random Asian Kid? Sometimes that happens. You get lumped with the Japanese, Koreans, maybe even Hawaiians. American kids are as dumb as the Chinese ones who tell us Americans all have blue eyes. Who knew? This stamp collector though, he’d fit in just fine at Harvard. He’s got the vintage suit thing going for him and the crushed hat screams “party animal!” The hand-resting-near-closed-mouth-eyes-in-shadow pose shows the posture of a real thinker. Look at that protruding cheek bone! This is a man who knows his stuff.

And stamps. What are stamps but miniature cultural history lessons? A claim of origin. China doesn’t even waste money on the licky cohesive kind of stamp. They have buckets of gooey paste and popsicle sticks. That’s how a real thinker attaches his stamps. Now, a collection of stamps – that’s something different altogether. One stamp can send word across town, country or sea, but, a collection of stamps, that sort of unruly mass can accomplish anything (if you can just get them to stay on the envelopes).

Collections? History lessons? The hand-resting-near-closed-mouth-eyes-in-shadow pose? Blue eyes? Random Asian Kids? Four hundred and fifty pages? America? UNIVERSITY? This is too much. Really, you should just stay here, where every strange thing fits perfectly into your ideal. Why don’t you pick up a hobby instead? Might I suggest: collecting Foreign Stamps.

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