China-focused Satire, Social Commentary, Comics and More

Tao and the Art of Hippopotamus Maintenance


Totally Awesome Picture of the Week 65


Hey! You! Hippopotamus! Yeah, you. Can you take a hint? I’ll crouch here, wiping this soapy water over my non-smelly motorbike while you fat, needy beast wallow there in your own filth with a perfectly good bathtub not 5 feet away. You’d think you’re some sort of Mongol king the way you stand around languidly in your luscious cage. Are you waiting for me to come down there and scrub you like an SUV? Well forget it if so. That is NOT going to happen.

“River horse” they call you but let me tell you, you look more like a dinosaur than any horse I ever saw and the only thing that’s river-like is the near constant piss/shit train you’ve got going from your lower backside. They say “be careful,” that you are a highly aggressive beast likely to trample me if given the opportunity. The bigger danger seems to be your voracious appetite. I’m glad I don’t have to foot the bill for all that hay you spend your day sucking in your foul moldy chompers.

Seriously hippopotamus. You are a disgrace to mammal kind. You assault the nasal passages, pain the eyes, dry the mouth and, worst of all, fascinate the tourists, who, by the way, may be one of the very few life forms lower than you. I said may be. It’s hard to know for sure. Especially those round eyed, white-skinned freaks. Their funny-talk gibberish is almost worse than your grunting farting silence. Okay hippopotamus. I’m done here. Take my cue or I’m going to get the electrified cattle prod and force you to bathe you reeking boulder of blubber. You’ve got five minutes.

2 Responses to “Tao and the Art of Hippopotamus Maintenance”

  1. MyLaowai says:

    Been reading a little too much fuckyoupenguin, have we?

  2. Editors says:

    This was an actual, well deserved harangue, civilized zoo keeper to obscene hippopotamus, not cheaply constructed comedy at the expense of a southern waddler who never hurt anyone.

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