China-focused Satire, Social Commentary, Comics and More

Stuff People Ingest Voluntarily episode 9

This Chinese “turkey sausage” was cooked in a vat of sizzling oil sitting atop a plastic bucket stove at the mouth of a limestone cave. It was promised to be “very delicious,” even a Chinese specialty. A wiser man would have seen the holes in that claim immediately, for the following reasons:

1. No one eats turkey in China; in fact, it is a laughable concept, once compared to eating a Kangaroo.

2. It came wrapped in plastic, much like a Popsicle.

3. It was being cooked over a bucket.

4. The Chinese adhere the word delicious to every possible food, as if it were merely synonymous with edible.

5. The last time this happened I ingested a piece of tofu with a taste that could only be likened to licking the rim of a portable toilet.

Yet I ate it anyway, and despite my initial reflexes, finished it. I should note that it is only on rare occasions that I stoop to consume an American hot dog, so it was mostly out of some half-hearted cultural courtesy and only slightly out of hunger that I agreed to this supposed turkey version. It was delivered to me on a stick and notched with little slits and dripping with scalding oil. But what was remarkable was not its preparation or even flavor, which could be guessed to be somewhere in the realm of bologna with a slight Chinese taint. It was the feel of it, the way it broke apart in disturbingly un-meatlike slabs. Halfway through the mystery meat tube I recognized the familiar soft cakey texture, which led me to announce the only appropriate comparison: “I feel like I’m eating a donut.”

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