China-focused Satire, Social Commentary, Comics and More

Dear Santa (We Know About the Economic MSG)

Dear Santa (We Know About the Economic MSG),

We found this image of you on our camera. We don’t know how or when you did it, but we respectfully request that you refrain from using our recording devices in the future. The fact that you know who has been naughty or nice by no means gives the right to insert yourself in our pictures. To tell the truth, it’s creepy.

Or perhaps this is not you, but one of your many impostors – we are not, mind you, referring to the multitude of overweight white men who don the red and white and a tape-on beard each holiday season to impersonate you, harmlessly pretending for the sake of the children. Being omniscient, you are obviously aware of your position in the East (we will explain more for the sake of anyone who may intercept this letter). Santa, you have become the latest victim of international copyright infringement! These tricky merchants have hijacked every one of our precious Western images – they’ve twisted the Nike swoosh, added a line to the Adidas stripes, replaced the Starbuck’s mermaid with a tuxedoed snob, and now they have pirated your image. My students have unwittingly alerted me to the existence of these shameless frauds: Christmas Father, Christmas Mother, Old Man Bring Present, just to give you a taste.

It is only a matter of time before Chinese children begin to believe that China invented you (Marco Polo brought you back in your giant sack). And perhaps they would not be wrong. Maybe China has invented this modern Christmas. That would explain why all of the toys you brought me as a child were stamped with “Made In China” instead of “Made In the North Pole.” That would explain why I got so sick when I stuck them in my mouth. That would explain the new cheap polyester blend suit. That would explain SO much.

Wait. Wait a minute. You trickster. You sly old imaginary saint. We’re on to you. Stay out of our recording devices and stay out of our minds. Your smiling, jolly, facade does little to hide your lazy, conniving self-centeredness.

We understand you’ve worked your one day a year. Now it’s clear how you do that. But, do you realize you’ve sold more than just your soul? You’ve sold the soul of Christmas. You’ve saturated the world with economic MSG, introducing middle classes everywhere to disposable wardrobes, enticing people to buy cheap crap, and when that cheap crap breaks, to buy more cheap crap. What a vicious cycle.

Santa, saints are not supposed to be vicious. We’re onto you. And we know how to defeat you. We know how to stop the cycle. It’s so simple that it almost seems like it must be one of your tricks.

Santa, This Ridiculous World officially endorses the belief in you.

That’s right, we believe in you. Somewhere deep in your guanxi filled gut is that twinkle that belongs in your eye. We understand that times are hard and that our two little dreams won’t be enough to return your operation to the North Pole, but maybe next year you could bring us something without MSG? Or nothing at all, if that helps.

Santa, get a hold of yourself. That is what we really wanted to say. Figure your shit out and stop randomly appearing in our pictures. Your MSG is ruining lives.

We wish you luck and hope our endorsement helps.


This Ridiculous World

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