Dear Big Ants Who Were Bossing Around the Little Ants,
First, I must say that you look crazy up close. Sorry, but I have been a little off lately and have found that brushing aside distractions clears up a path towards almost clarity. Second, that was my food scrap and I was planning to eat it you lazy, scavenging nettler. You owe me .001 RMB for that fried egg ort. Or maybe you want to take one of my classes to pay me back. You can probably find a good IELTS Reading on ants; then the students might understand you. That’d put you ahead of me. Although, the Chinese students are known to be speciesists. They might just smash you with a shoe. That’s what happened to “Cockroach Teacher.” Fair warning.
Now, I must ask, why are you two so much bigger than the others? You stood and watched as a dozen or so of the little guys tried unsuccessfully to haul that slab across the counter. You circled as if coaching but did not approach until after three of the little ants deserted, leaving the others helpless. Then you didn’t try to carry it at all. You just dug in greedily. On my leftovers. Without asking.
That’s why I Raided you. Yes, you. Those little ants were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. That spray of citrusy poison was aimed at you. And maybe my tainted food. If I can’t have it, no one can.
I hope you learned a useful lesson for wherever it is that my kitchen sink pipes lead. I hope you’ll know not to steal my food scrap again. Or my neighbors’ for that matter. My species sticks together on matters such as this. We don’t tend to mock the collaborative efforts of our non-steroid using cousins. For the most part anyway.
This Ridiculous World
This entry was posted on Saturday, June 20th, 2009 at 12:01 am and is filed under China, Letters to Whomever and tagged with ants, ants in the kitchen, Chinese Food, Expat, food scraps, foreign teacher, Humor, IELTS, social commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.