Dear Brown Cloud that Blots Out the Sun
Dear Brown Cloud that Blots Out the Sun, You “noxious cocktail” you! Your intoxicating side effects have gone too far! Melting the glaciers! Poisoning the water supplies! We’re not teetotalers but we do know our limits and you sir, have surpassed them. You are seeped with languor. As you kill the denizens of this ancient [...]
Dear People Making a Shortcut Through the Bamboo
Dear People Making a Shortcut Through the Bamboo, You just had to cut that corner, didn’t you? Maybe you don’t realize it, but I’m almost certain you do, but the wide, paved road you have just abandoned switchbacks in about 30 feet. That’s a little over 9 meters. In other words, had you stayed on [...]
Dear Blue Sky
Dear Blue Sky, The other day, when you first presented yourself, swapping places with the usual toxic gray screen, we were glad. To be honest, we had begun to doubt your existence. After weeks of wading through throat-stinging particulate matter and squinting to make out even an outline of the nearby skyline, one forgets that [...]
Dear Recycled Hand
Dear Recycled Hand, To begin, I must say that it is noble of you to sacrifice yourself to the cause. It’s a thankless job with high expectations and high stress. We notice that you are the Left. If you are anything like our country, I suppose the Right is in the “Unrecyclable” bin next to [...]
Dear Ms. Mazut (Winner of 2nd Premium Pea Prize at the Alaska State Fair)
Dear Ms. Mazut (Winner of 2nd Premium Pea Prize at the Alaska State Fair), We can see how you’d be confused. Since you entered produce in the Alaska State Fair, you are probably from the nearest town, Wasilla, a place known for little more than in-breeding and pregnant teens. Perhaps you have never seen a [...]
Dear Man Standing on a Rock in a Field of Other Rocks
Dear Man Standing on a Rock in a Field of Other Rocks, Nice rock. Or is it a boulder? Either way, what are you doing up there? Was the ground below not satisfactory? Obviously, something caused you to leave the common plane and ascend to your present position – let us propose a scenario or [...]
Dear Different Fish
Dear Different Fish, You know who you are. The freak. You’re the strange one in the line – the oddball, the novelty, the outsider. We see you dangling there, in what appears to be a rather uncomfortable position, and we can’t help but wonder – what makes you hang amongst those others? Don’t you have [...]
Dear Business Men Who Drink too Much Soju and Pass Out on the Street
Dear Business Men Who Drink to Much Soju and Pass Out on the Street, Where to begin? Coming across your limp, sleeping bodies on the streets of Seoul, so many questions came immediately to mind – so many whys and whats and hows (along with a bit of concern and a great deal of disbelief) [...]
Dear Yichang
Dear Yichang, When first described to us, our boss said you were like “an old wild west town.” We didn’t believe it. It was hard to see past the cement, glass and general greyness that filled every visible inch – that is until a week or so ago when we saw that big red paper [...]
Dear Chinese Boy Trying to Bend a Window Screen
Dear Chinese Boy Trying to Bend a Window Screen, Beware of the promises. No matter how wondrous they may sound, be wary. Be skeptical. Be doubtful. Allow us to explain. Perhaps you just devoured a candy bar, or one of those sugar packets disguised as yogurt that you kids love to suck down, and you [...]
Dear Woman Who Handed Me Her Baby and Began to Walk Away
Dear Woman Who Handed Me Her Baby and Began to Walk Away, Not cool. I don’t know which I was more afraid of: you running off and leaving the snoring little creature in my hands, or the snoring little creature releasing its processed meal through its assless pants and onto my hands. Though we smiled [...]
Dear People Who Sweep in the Wee Hours of the Night
Dear People Who Sweep in the Wee Hours of the Night, No, that is not a result of careless typing; nor is it a cheap jab at the Asian people’s often-mocked struggle to pronounce the notorious letter ‘L.’ We have heard you out there. Sometimes, as we wake during the night and stumble to the [...]
Dear Rubber Chicken Models
Dear Rubber Chicken Models, OMG (translator for parents: modern vernacular for “I’m surprised/so excited”)! We were like, so into you guys when we were kids! Wow. You don’t even know. It was so fun to splash you in the bath and splash you with barbeque sauce! I can’t even express myself. You were sooooo cool! [...]
Dear the First of July
Dear the First of July, I recognize that bewildered look and will be the first to assure you, yes we are writing to you and not your embarrassing excuse to imbibe and overeat of a sibling, the Fourth. You may not think much of yourself as a segment of time but perhaps our reverence can [...]
Dear Young Man Using Your Motorcycle to Blow Bubbles in the Yangtze
Dear Young Man Using Your Motorcycle to Blow Bubbles in the Yangtze, I don’t know who you impressed more: us, the woman doing her laundry, or the man soaking his motorcycle downstream. To be honest, your objective was unclear. Our top three theories as to what exactly it was that you were doing are: 1. [...]
Dear Young Chinese Man with the Crazy Hair
Dear Young Chinese Man with the Crazy Hair, We apologize for our forward manner. Also, for our presence, which seems to be causing great displeasure. We do not mean to offend. Despite the title we have given you, your hair does not concern us – although it is curious. What troubles us is your face. [...]
Dear Noodle Man
Dear Noodle Man, We just discovered you. Who knows what treasures we pass by each day as we mechanically walk the same few routes. Our minds are now trained to ignore the picture writing that labels every trivial food vendor, massage parlor, drink stand, and welding shop that clutter China’s streets. And our heads are [...]
The War on Dreams: Part III
Dear dead turtle who was laying on top of a lot of live turtles, Let me begin by saying your belly shell design was beautiful and vaguely reminded me of the femo beads I used to make as a child. The sway of your lonely clay body made us feel uncomfortable, as if someone had [...]
Dear Alaska 2
Dear Alaska, OK! We have to admit you had us. We really thought you wanted to reelect crooked old Uncle Ted. We are silly gullible fools. What a wonderful dosage of humility! For that we thank you. Next, we must issue an apology. We were wrong. You’re only a little less than half as dumb [...]
Nov 19, 2008 | Categories: Alaska, America, Letters to Whomever | Tags: Alaska Independence Party, Alaskan senate race, Begich, Democrats, Goodbye Uncle Ted, Guns, Republicans, social commentary, Ted Stevens, too old for politics, US Election 2008 | 1 Comment »